Love's shattered pride.

Tunes in my head: Twenty Four Hours by Joy Division
Atmosphere: Shattered. Utterly fucking shattered.

I might have emotional needs too.

When you needed me, I was there. I was there to talk, to give a shoulder to cry on.

And when I need you, what do you do?

You run away, and don't give me the support I need.

I was the only one to hold you up when you needed me.

You aren't getting anything compared to what I had to go through. You aren't getting the full brunt of the pain, the full onslaught. You're merely diluted.

I break my promise. I have regrets.

They need not be permanent. But they're becoming that way.

Please don't put me through this. If everyone says I'm such a good person, why are you CHOOSING to put me through this eternal torture?

I gave you absolutely everything. I gave you every shred of positive emotion that I had left. I gave so many things that I held dear to me in order to make you happy. I even betrayed myself, and my own moral beliefs just to give you more. I did absolutely everything for you that I could, and you chose to simply toss it all away as quickly as I willingly gave it? And you wonder why I'm the way I am. I gave everything I had left. And it obviously wasn't enough. It obviously wasn't enough to make you happy or to keep you in any capacity.

They say that love is like a cliff face. The soft parts are quickly eroded, leaving only the hard shell. It's true.

So this is permanence, loves shattered pride.
What once was innocence, turned on its side.
A cloud hangs over me, marks every move,
Deep in the memory, of what once was love.

Oh how I realised how I wanted time,
Put into perspective, tried so hard to find,
Just for one moment, thought Id found my way.
Destiny unfolded, I watched it slip away.

Excessive flashpoints, beyond all reach,
Solitary demands for all Id like to keep.
Lets take a ride out, see what we can find,
A valueless collection of hopes and past desires.

I never realised the lengths Id have to go,
All the darkest corners of a sense I didnt know.
Just for one moment, I heard somebody call,
Looked beyond the day in hand, theres nothing there at all.

Now that Ive realised how its all gone wrong,
Gottas find some therapy, this treatment takes too long.
Deep in the heart of where sympathy held sway,
Gotta find my destiny, before it gets too late.

Enough.

Tunes in my head: Backwards Down The Number Line by Phish
Atmosphere: Pissed off

FOR FUCKS SAKES STOP TREATING ME LIKE FUCKING SHIT
IT IS REALLY FUCKING HURTING AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE
TREAT ME WITH SOME RESPECT BEFORE I END UP FALLING OFF THE STOOL ONE NIGHT AND HANGING MYSELF
YOU ALL MAKE ME WANT TO FUCKING DIE
AND ONE DAY YOU'LL PROBABLY PUSH ME THE FUCK OVER THE EDGE
AND I GUARANTEE YOU WILL NOT LIKE THE RESULTS
BUT ALL YOU HAVE TO BLAME IS YOURSELF
NOBODY ELSE
JUST YOURSELVES
YES THERE IS MORE THAN ONE OF YOU WHO HAS BEEN TREATING ME LIKE CRAP
EVEN WHEN I'M THE SELFLESS BASTARD THAT I ALWAYS WILL BE AND GIVE MYSELF TO YOU YOU STILL TREAT ME LIKE FUCKING SHIT
BELIEVE IT OR NOT I MAY BE STRONG BUT I AM EXTREMELY WEAK
THE TURTLE IS WEAK WHEN THE SHELL IS REMOVED
AND EVERY LITTLE STEP EVERY MISSED OPPURTUNITY EVERY SIDEWAYS GLANCE
IT JUST DRIVES ME FURTHER AND FURTHER TOWARDS THE CLIFF
AND ONE DAY I WILL FALL OFF AND TAKE YOU ALL WITH ME IF THIS CONTINUES
I DON'T WANT TO END UP THIS WAY
BUT YOU ARE LEAVING ME NO CHOICE

And if I ask you why I'm swimming by.

Tunes in my head: Theme From The Bottom by Phish
Atmosphere: Bipolar

I'm incredibly happy.

I'm incredibly sad.

It's over.

It's over.

I poured my heart and soul into it.

And it's finally at a state of completion.

The Last Rewind is finished.

And that makes me so happy and so sad.

So happy that I've created an amazing piece of writing.

Sad that I won't get to develop it more.

To conclude this chapter in my life, I will finish up with posting the retrospective journal entries about why I did it and what influenced me.

I would like to conclude this segment of the post by thanking you all for your infinite support throughout the process.

--

I don't know why I even bother when I don't get what I want.

I could have been on the floor, dead.

And you wouldn't have noticed.

You treat me this way consistently. Whenever I'm needed you know I'm there. Whenever I need you you're never there.

It's time for a change before it's too late.

It's time for a change before someone does something irrepairable.

I want the newest section.

Tunes in my head: Be Mine by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Holy shit, I just swapped them. Obviously fucking stressed!

My first HSC exam is in 16 hours.

I am FUCKED.

Kristy's was...up and down, as per usual, I suppose.

But mostly reasonably good.

Be well, people.

Intellectual stuff to come later?

Tires and action, thoughts and traction.

Tunes in my head: You Enjoy Myself by Phish
Atmosphere: Creative

peering in through the wall
my image moves around
he stares aimlessly at the tile
and beats me to the ground
i try and fail to defend myself
as my mirror stands proud
there's nothing left that i can do
no-one hears screams so loud

i clamber up from the sink
and taste the bloody drool
from the other viewpoint
it must be some kind of fool
i cannot think or double back
there's nothing to be said
escaping from the iron grasp
before becoming so dead

I kneel by the river by which she rides.

Tunes in my head: Tela by Phish
Atmosphere: Doesn't know. Loving?

In her gaze, I crumble into dust and drift away on the wind.

But then again, is that really so good?

She seems rather interested. Whether she actually is is anyone's guess, really.

I doubt myself some days, even over such silly issues.

I mean, should I be questioning myself so much over it or not?

Probably not.

But it's all I do anymore.

It'll end well, hopefully.

--

as he saw his life run away from him
thousands ran along
chanting words from a song
"please me have no regrets"
came from the babies mouth
we followed the lines going south

I will never have regret, no matter what I do.

I may occasionally wish that things went differently.

But I will never regret the way things do go.

Because life is meant to go in whatever way it does.

In my opinion, we only have free thought, never truly free will.

This is as a result of other people's free will.

If nobody had free thought, however, how could they achieve free will?

Life will go on as a result of people's actions. Like it or not, another person's actions will always influence one's destiny.

As a result, a destiny can never be truly unbound unless as a result of complete solitude, which is at best impossible to achieve.

We are tied down by other people's actions.

By people's reactions to our actions.

People hold back as a result of these reactions. Surely there has been a moment in one's life where they have held back as a result of other's reactions.

As a direct result, the concept of free will is impossible to achieve.

Nobody can influence our thoughts.

But everybody can be influenced by them.

We were strangers.

Tunes in my head: I Remember Nothing by Joy Division
Atmosphere: Energetic

Almost done.

Four more days and I can relax for a moment.

If only with you.

Remembering you, falling into my arms, crying for the death of your heart.

Tunes in my head: Pictures of You by The Cure
Atmosphere: Depressed

will I ever find the courage to let it all go?

i'm always just breaking apart
my pictures of you

Am I becoming more hardened emotionally? And is this a good thing?

The fact that even this doesn't affect me as much.

Will I be a hardened, empty shell?

I really don't want to be.

I like me being me. The highly emotional romantic that I am.

But he's dying.

He's dying from lack of use.

There are brief glimmers, but nothing full on. Nothing that actually means anything anymore.

To conclude tonight's depressing little entry, I'll show you something that I think is incredibly beautiful and at the same time depressing. And no, it's not a photo of Suzy.

Joy Division - Ceremony

--

This is why events unnerve me
Then again, the same old story
Hope for turn, the wheels are turning
Turn again and turn towards this time
All she asked was strength to hold me
Then again the same old story
All the travelled oh so quickly
Travelled first and turned towards this time

I'll break them all, no mercy shown
Heaven knows it's got to be this time
Watching her the things she said
Time she cried too frail to wake this time

I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows it's got to be this time
Avenues all lined with trees
Picture me and then you stand watching

Watching forever
Watching love grow

There she goes again.

Tunes in my head: The Headmaster Ritual by The Smiths
Atmosphere: Ehhh.

Sweetness, I was only joking.

And you're so naive sometimes.

I'm so bitter.

And you're so bitter.

And I'm so naive.

But isn't that how life is?

Contradiction in kind.

It's just how we are. We are contradictory beings. Thriving on the change.

But at the same time, wanting a sense of familiarity.

Break.

If there is something that I might find?

Tunes in my head: If There Is Something by Roxy Music
Atmosphere: Decent

I'm going mad with lust and desire.

I'm liking it.

HI GREEN EYES.

The piano lid comes down and breaks his fucking fingers.

Tunes in my head: Amused to Death by Roger Waters
Atmosphere: Fucking pumped!

YEAH I AM AWESOME GUYS.

I GOT TOP MARK IN DRAMA IP.

AND THAT'S TOTALLY AWESOME.

IM RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY.

AND THERE ISNT A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME, WORLD.

(aside from a comet crashing into me.)

BUT IT WONT MOTHERFUCKERS.

I AM A WRITER, AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME.

(except a broken hand)

AND THERE ISNT A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME FROM WHAT I WANT!

Freezing noise.

Tunes in my head: Breathless by Robert Fripp
Atmosphere: Depressed.

I obviously mean absolutely nothing to you anymore.

Are you even going to try?

If we break before the dawn, we'll use up what we used to be.

Eternal loneliness.

The genie said to me.

Tunes in my head: It's a Miracle by Roger Waters
Atmosphere: Longing.

You have three wishes.

What would they be?

Tell me. Honestly.

If not here, some other way.

The concept intrigues.

My double wants to pull me down.

Tunes in my head: It's Ice by Phish
Atmosphere: Angry

I don't let up. Surely you know this by now?

Every time I let up it fails magnificently.

Every time I back off and give people space, I just drift.

So I just have to always go in with a ridiculous amount of intensity.

And sure, is it the right way sometimes? God no.

But it works.

And it works where letting up and just trying to let the problem simmer doesn't.

Why can't people recognise that hiding the problem is never the best thing to do?

I mean, sure, in the short term, it is.

But in the long term, is it?

If the problem simmers for six months and then comes to the surface, are we all benefitting from this?

Of course not. It just hurts more because people notice the pain and are hurt by the fact that you refuse to let help in.

I mean, sure, I know what it's like. I know that when I have problems, I used to just hide from them.

And what fucking good did it do? It sent me spiralling down more.

It's the old English attitude, I guess. Stern upper lip.

But then again, what is achieved from doing that?

hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way

We live in a generation of utter apathy. "I don't want to talk." "Eh, I feel okay."

Is that really something to be desired? Is the ability to be a monosyllabic mess really something you all want to be?

I know it sure as hell is not what I am. I am a highly emotional, highly tempermental person. And sure, is it the best way to be sometimes? No. But it's who I am. I am a person led by my emotions.

If I'm pissed off or depressed, I refuse to hide it. I open myself to the anguish and take the full brunt of it, knowing the reasoning for it.

And it's not just a bad thing being so openly emotional. If I'm happy, you're all sure to know about it.

The human race needs to keep talking.

Nobody achieved anything from silence or indifference.

Put it like this. What do the great generals in history have in common?

They're all fiery and intense. And they made progress. They didn't just sit around and wait for the wave of depression that ultimately overtook them.

They accepted help from the people around them.

I care too much about my friends to let them suffer alone. To let them suffer in silence would be a grave crime in my eyes.

I would rather suffer alongside them. I would rather sit there and be miserable with them. Knowing that an emotion is shared is at least slightly uplifting. I mean, why is depression such an artistic emotion? Because people have felt it.

I might have written about you. And you don't even know.

We are Siamese children related by the heart.

Tunes in my head: Jigsaw by Marillion
Atmosphere: Depressed

Stolen pieces from my jigsaw.

And now it will never be completed.

Even when the next person comes along with their contribution, it still will not be completed.

How does it feel to know that pieces can be taken away just as easily as they can be put into their correct place?

I'm sure the feeling is common among us.

But will the pieces ever be replaced?

Better yet, they might be returned.

But that's not a realistic option, is it.

The pieces can't be returned to the people who need them.

Instead they get kept in some little drawer on the side of the bed.

"Chewed your heart and spat it out sideways."

For once they were right.

For once the people who don't understand know the right.

And it won't be taken. People know that.

People know that the option is there, but can't understand why he doesn't take it.

And when he is asked, he merely replies "I don't like the feel of abandonment."

"I stick by people until the end. A flawed approach at best, but at least I'm loyal."

"It's better than I can say of others."

The king of sunset town sleeps undernight.

Tunes in my head: The King Of Sunset Town by Marillion
Atmosphere: Achieved

Trials have been ridiculously easy. Am I delusional?

Possibly.

Tread lightly, Liam.

Tread very lightly.

One false step and you fall through the ice.

And nobody wants that, especially not her.

So tread extremely carefully around her before you actually get to her.

Goodbye Max, goodbye Ma.

Tunes in my head: The Gunner's Dream by Pink Floyd
Atmosphere: Energetic

i had a dream

THIS DREAM IS DRIVING ME INSANE

--

War is such a futile thing in the end.

We all die, and for what? A few metres of land?

All because we can't talk and resolve our issues?

Surely the money spent on bullets can be better spent on education or health or making society a more livable place?

Instead, we buy bombs to destroy each other. And where's the fucking logic in that?

I don't treat warmongers with any respect. For me, war is such a pathetic fallacy.

--

The dream is such a pathetic concept.

And yet it propells people to such heights.

I stopped dreaming a long time ago.

I stopped thinking of dreams that seemed unatainable.

And am now looking at realistic options.

Do I still want to be standing in front of 70,000 people?

Stage fright tells me otherwise.

But I always wanted to help anyone. Everyone.

It's all I feel I can do in this society.

Happy one hundredth post. For this, I must ask you all a favour.

If the blog has had even one moment that has touched you or made you think or hit you on an emotional level or whatever, could you please tell me in a comment? I feel the need to know.

Thank you for reading,
Liam McCann.

You're like some brother of mine.

Tunes in my head: May You Never by John Martyn
Atmosphere: Depressed.

There's a man at the station, who looks from upon the perch.
He sees the mermaid in the seat, encased in her shell.
Beside her is a spectre, a soulless ghoul.
The man watches, from afar. Distanced.
Alone and isolated, even when surrounded by people.
She looks at the spectre with light in her soul.
And the spectre turns away and ignores.
Still, she looks and admires.
The man wishes he could grasp her embracing touch.
And knows that he cannot.
Shall he settle for the touch of another?
Being haunted by memories of this day.
Or shall he mourn for that which can never be grasped?
Will he come back one day again, to see her and the spectre?
It follows her. Unshakeable.
And the man wants to tear her from it.
But he can't until she lets him.
And so he settles for the ones who smile and are truly ineffectual.

It's a sad affair.

Tunes in my head: Memories Fade by Tears for Fears
Atmosphere: Coming down.

There's only need
I love your need
So much I'm losing me
I cannot see the reason for the pain
With hungry joy
I'll be your toy
Just hoping you will play
Without the hope my body starts to fail

Memories fade but the scars still linger
Goodbye my friend
Will I ever love again
Memories fade but the scars still linger

I cannot grow
I cannot move
I cannot feel my age
The vice like grip of tension holds me fast
Engulfed by you
What can I do
When history's my cage
Look foward to a future in the past

The more I talk
The more I say
The less you seem to hear
I'm speechless in a most peculiar way
Your mind is weak
Your need is great
And nothing is too dear
For you to use to take the pain away

Memories fade but the scars still linger
Goodbye my friend
Will I ever love again
Memories fade
No don't pretend you can justify the end
Memories fade but the scars still linger

Zion and Babylon.

Tunes in my head: Digital Man by Rush
Atmosphere: Amazing

I haven't been this happy in a LONG time.

I bet you the person who's made me this happy doesn't even realise it.

Yet.

Not everything is bite sized.

Tunes in my head: Wading In The Velvet Sea by Phish
Atmosphere: Reminiscient.

They call her short, she's really kinda small
But if you measured her brains she'd be ten feet tall
One day she'll kick you, and your shins will kinda bruise
That's what she does it's not what she'll ooze
When I'm around her, she makes me laugh and smile
And when I'm down she just picks me up for a while
Midget likes her French, she'd called a Francophile
And what she doesn't know is she has pretty cool style
This poem's pretty bad, I'm sure she'll pick up
She's much better at it, she rhymed buttercup
Shorty's a tiny bit absurd, some call her Gogo
But giving her physics is definitely a no-go
When's she down, it makes me sad and shitty
What she doesn't know is she can be rather pretty
What she won't do is become a little cleaner
So all I have to say is happy birthday Kristina!

It's hard to talk about passion.

Tunes in my head: The Queen Is Dead by The Smiths
Atmosphere: Lonely

Life is very long when you're lonely.

Too many secrets, too many lies, writhing in hatred.

I am sinking.

He walked on off to die.

Tunes in my head: Carini by Phish
Atmosphere: Accomplished

Despite all of the pain that it took to get this far, I finally feel like I've accomplished something in a group context.

Despite all of the arguments and misery, it was actually worth it.

Being onstage is one of the most beautiful things in existence. Isn't it?

Just the adrenaline rush that one gets from it always amazes me.

And yes, I still intend on being a playwright and author.

Why? Because I intend on bringing forth the moments that inspire these things.

I want to bring forth moments that bring people to tears, send them to hysterical fits of laughter.

Page takes a seat at the table, and begins to pour
a glass of wine.
STEVEN
Well. Look who it is.
PAGE
(Confused.)
Suzy?
SUZY
Um. Hey Page.
STEVEN
The two lovebirds.
PAGE
(Becoming aggressive.)
We’re not lovebirds.
STEVEN
I’m sure you’re not. You’re just colluding against me.
PAGE
You’re paranoid.
STEVEN
No, I’m just logical.
PAGE
You’re absolutely crazy!
STEVEN
You know for a fact you want this girl. You desperately
crave her sweet touch against you.
PAGE
And what difference does that make?
STEVEN
You’re pathetic.
PAGE
You’re honestly calling me pathetic.
SUZY
Wait a minute.
(Pause.)
Is this all you’ve been doing for the past however many
years, Steven? Pining over me? You’ve been destroying
other people like this? And you have the nerve to call
other people pathetic.
(Pause.)
You know, I used to think you were a good guy. I
actually felt sympathy for you when we went on strike.
(Pause.)
But now I see you for who you are. You’re not worth any
semblance of sympathy, not worth the light of day. You
light on the edge of the spotlight arc, always looking
for a way to creep onto the stage. And you found it.
But there is no way that is justifiable.
(Pause.)
And you sicken and disgust me. Human emotions are not
to be toyed with in this manner. Get out of my life.
A long period of silence. The tension builds on
the stage.
Suzy, Page and Steven all stare at each other,
with hints of disgust, fear and rage.
After a long period of silence, Steven finally
gets up.
He slowly walks off stage, shoulders crushed,
spirit broken.
The lights go out.
A spotlight slowly fades in, illuminating Page at
the table. Suzy is still onstage, but not lit.
PAGE
(Oblivious to Suzy sitting off stage.)
That’s it. That’s all it is. Nothing is left anymore.
I’m sitting here all alone. My life has fallen apart.
It’s useless. What’s the point.
(He gets up, and begins to walk off
stage right.)
And so I must depart this place. I know I won’t be
missed. Goodbye, cruel world.
He continues to go off stage. Before he reaches
the stage exit, he is grabbed by a pair of hands.
The silhouette widens to show Suzy grab Page
around the neck. She leans in and kisses him
romantically, passionately.
This last for a few seconds.
Eventually she breaks from Page and looks at him,
overcome with emotion.
SUZY
Page...
(She is almost overcome with the emotion
of the moment.)
Page...I love you.
The two share a moment, before Suzy slowly walks
off stage, leaving Page alone on stage to reflect
on what just happened.
PAGE
(Still stunned, a tear running down his cheek.)
...I love you too, Suzy.
Curtain.

Darkness and a cetalin light.

Tunes in my head: Invisible Sun by The Police
Atmosphere: Exhausted.

Jesus, I am tired. I've missed being onstage.

Hahahaha, charade you are.

Tunes in my head: Pigs (Three Different Ones) by Pink Floyd
Atmosphere: Alone.

I'm allowed to say I'm alone, right?

Sweetness, I never lie. I may not say what I want. But I never lie.

I didn't know friends let friends be alone like this.

Then what am I?

Just as the song ceases to play.

Tunes in my head: Mock Song by Phish
Atmosphere: Kinda indifferent.

Love is such an elusive thing.

And when you don't even try to find it, it just appears.

Of course, by that point, one has already turned their back to it.

Is that so unfair? The chance is gone before the person realises it.

Or I'm just delusional. Entirely possible.

But it seems as if when one gives up, the chance emerges.

Should I take it, or should I let it go?

I don't know if the passion is there anymore.

We relive 1998.

Tunes in my head: Millions by XTC
Atmosphere: Busy.

Fuck, Ancient is a massive subject.

We're at each other's throats.

Tunes in my head: Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others by The Smiths
Atmosphere: Progressive

I think I'm starting to finally get on with my life.

No guarantees, but today...I don't know.

Part of it gave me the reason to continue feeling this way.

And part of it gave me the reason to move on. To carry on with this life.

I don't know. I really don't.

I still love you. In what way? I'm still unsure.

A dedication.

THERE WILL BE NO MORE SELF CRITICISM IN THIS BLOG. EVER.

THANKYOU BAS, BRENDAN, CHRIS, KASIA, AND TRINA.

I OWE YOU ALL. SO MUCH.

A sacrifice of penance.

Tunes in my head: The Holy Hour by The Cure
Atmosphere: Worried. Really fucking worried.

Why is it that whenever I have a good day, nobody else seems to? Everybody else seems to emerge from it bruised and bloody whenever I walk out of it with a smile on my face.

And so I blame myself. In bed amongst the stones.

I blame myself for everyone's sorrow, everyone's misery.

It does always seem to be what I do that causes people pain. At least from my perspective, anyway.

And yet I never give myself credit for when a person is happy. I never sit there and go "oh, yes, I did this and this and this that made a person smile".

My life's philosophy is based on one simple mantra, a phrase so seemingly simple and yet undeniably complex.

"Make one person smile a day."

It's so fucking hard some days. People take their anger out on me, people cry onto my shoulder. It's not fair, some would say.

But what can I do? All I can really do is try once again to make them smile.

People who say I'm selfish truly have the wrong impression of me. If anyone really saw how much effort I put into making people smile or laugh or feel amazing, they could never really make that claim.

I'm always giving up things to make people feel better. If a hug needs to be dispersed, so be it. If I need to give up my seat so someone else can take it, I willingly do it.

If I need to cry my eyes out to make a statement that makes a person smile, I do it without hesitation.

Is this my greatest failing? The fact that I'm so eager to please others?

Perhaps.

I also see it as my greatest strength at times. The fact that I can make myself look like utter shit in order to make someone else look good.

But I blame myself too much. I blame myself too much for other people's failings.

And perhaps I worry. Perhaps I worry about the effect that I have on people.

When I said I wanted to go away, I wasn't kidding. I sincerely wasn't kidding.

It seems as if whenever I'm not there, people just live better lives.

My attempts to make people's lives as bright as possible have so far failed.

Are they in vain?

It means so much to me. The only thing that means more is you.

Tunes in my head: Strange by Wire
Atmosphere: Reflective

I wrote a rather interesting story today.

It was about a playwright who loses the inspiration to write, the emotions that drive the soul.

Has anyone else ever found themselves in the situation where they unconsciously write about themselves?

What was your experience if so? Was it scary, freaky, entertaining?

Fine suite, fine NOISE.

Tunes in my head: Jason and the Argonauts by XTC
Atmosphere: Sleepy

Today's exam was pretty decent. Not terribly hard.

Thursday's however. :(

Well, the Trials really haven't been that hard so far, but I haven't had my bastard exam (Music prac) yet.

Eh, whatever. When I get my 4/20 marks back, we'll see.

Also, Phish covering I Kissed A Girl really perked me up a bit.

--

Feeling kinda blah right now. This is some time after I wrote that.

I just feel lonely. Especially after today.

Even if generally I feel quite good, I still feel like I'm alone. Typical loneliness, I guess, being surrounded by people in relationships.

I did a good conversation in with someone for once.

Feel your neck. It's the one thing that tells the truth. You know what's missing.

Lace may be torn apart but it's still important.

Drifting off to sleep.

Tunes in my head: The Wrong Child by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Tired

You are the everything.

Am I the nothing?

I go about things the wrong way.

Tunes in my head: How Soon Is Now? by The Smiths
Atmosphere: Lonely

I dreamed that I was loved last night.

I haven't truly been loved in a very long time.

And seeing everyone else in the situation just makes it more and more depressing.

But whatever.

--

[ ( >,<) ] --- Day 229 --- Nineteen says (8:06 PM):
Thinking
find the river says (8:07 PM):
Bout?
[ ( >,<) ] --- Day 229 --- Nineteen says (8:07 PM):
A whole lot of random shit, really
find the river says (8:07 PM):
Liiiiike?
[ ( >,<) ] --- Day 229 --- Nineteen says (8:08 PM):
Likeeeeeee
[ ( >,<) ] --- Day 229 --- Nineteen says (8:08 PM):
The loss of magic as one gets older
find the river says (8:08 PM):
...yeah. :(
[ ( >,<) ] --- Day 229 --- Nineteen says (8:08 PM):
In terms of video games :P
find the river says (8:08 PM):
Yeah.
[ ( >,<) ] --- Day 229 --- Nineteen says (8:09 PM):
:(
[ ( >,<) ] --- Day 229 --- Nineteen says (8:10 PM):
Its that, like it or not...time goes on =S
*We're getting old...
*the magic that we felt playing those games as a kid, isnt going to come back if we play it now :S
*And, what's even worse, the next generation of gamers probably wont even play the classics like these
*And thats pretty sad :(
*Masterpieces like these, not used.
*I swear, if I gave kids, that are gamers, i'm forcefeeding these down their throat.
*But by then, who owns a n64? And do kids want to play a game outdated by 20 years? At least. Graphics mean so much to youngins

find the river says (8:10 PM):
:(
find the river says (8:10 PM):
Yeeeep. :(
[ ( >,<) ] --- Day 229 --- Nineteen says (8:11 PM):
:(:(
find the river says (8:11 PM):
May I steal for blog?
[ ( >,<) ] --- Day 229 --- Nineteen says (8:11 PM):
Go ahead.

--

We lose our magic as we grow older, don't we?

We become damaged by our past experiences and then never regain the parts of our heart we lose.

It's like a jigsaw.

I hide the few pieces. As they get lost, the puzzle can never fully be completed.

Some are born to move the world, to live their fantasies.

Tunes in my head: Complicated Game by XTC
Mood: Depressed, miserable, in tears, you name it.

I don't appreciate the way you treat me. People recognise that you treat me like crap. And yet you do nothing to change it. Anything that can be done to make me feel like crap, you do.

You promised you'd be less selfish. And you haven't done anything to do that. Everything is still always about you. Whenever you have a problem, you've got no concerns in running to me to get concerns. But whenever I have something that I need to talk about, you don't give a shit. You just turn me away and make me feel worse.

You promised you'd stop taking all of your anger out on me. And yet you still continue to yell at me, to scream at me, to get pissed at me.

Can't you see that this approach isn't working? Do something different. Actually show some affection, some care. People are like plants. Affection is water. Aggression is fire.

You're burning me down so quickly. I can't go on like this.

Do you even put any strength in promises? It seems not. Every time you make one to me, you break it.

And you wonder why people don't trust you anymore. You wonder why your best friend even has his doubts. He can be the eternal optimist all the hell he wants, but even he can waver.

Whatever happened to being best friends, forever? Don't best friends support each other in their times of need, not tear the other one down?

I know I did. I know I did everything I could to make you feel like the great person I know you can be. And people recognised it. People recognised that we worked, that we were insanely happy.

And this is how you reward me? You reward me with all of this angst, all of this pain, and then you have the guts to go off at me because I get depressed because of it? Because of feelings I can't control?

It's really frustrating and it makes me so goddamn depressed. But that's life, isn't it?

Change it. Or else you won't have anybody to fall back on.

I am slowing down. As the years go by. I am sinking.

Tunes in my head: The Figurehead by The Cure
Atmosphere: Fuck you. Miserable.

sharp and open leave me alone
and sleeping less every night
as the days become heavier and weightied
waiting
in the cold night
a noise
a scream tears my clothes as the figurines tighten
with spiders inside of them
and dust on the lips of a vision of hell
i laughed in the mirror for the first time in a year

a hundred other words blind me with your purity
like an old painted doll in the throes of dance
i think about tomorrow
please let me sleep as i slip down the window
freshly squashed fly
you mean nothing
you mean nothing

i can lose myself in chinese art and american girls
all the time
lose me in the dark
please do it right
run into the night
i will lose myself tomorrow
crimson pain
my heart explodes
my memory in a fire
and someone will listen
as least for a short while

i can never say no to anyone but you

too many secrets
too many lies
writhing in hatred
too many secrets
please make it good tonight
but the same image haunts me
in sequence
in despair of time
i will never be clean again

touched her eyes
pressed my stained face
i will never be clean again

touched her eyes
pressed my stained face
i will never be clean again
i will never be clean again
i will never be clean again
i will never be clean again

This is just a note to myself.

Tunes in my head: Runs In The Family by Amanda Palmer
Mood: Working!

Monday: Belonging + Political Revolution
Tuesday: Module A + Module B
Wednesday: Costume + Module C
Thursday: Pompeii/Herculaneum
Friday: Eng. Ext 1
Saturday: Break
Sunday: WWI / Cold War
Monday: Break
Tuesday: Music Rehearsal
Wednesday: Drama
Thursday: Music Rehearsal

When you're there, I sleep lengthwise.

Tunes in my head: Camera by R.E.M.
Mood: Lonely

And when you're gone, I sleep diagonal in my bed.

I feel so alone, right now. All I need is for one person to make me their own. To make me their love.

Of course, it won't happen.

Life never works out the way it's truly meant to.

But I can't exactly force those involved to work out the way I want it to.

If it's meant to work out that way, then it will in the end, right?

I personally hope it will.

But if it doesn't, whatever. The watcher can always see from afar.

But maybe he wants to participate in the society for once.

Tipsy fuddled boozy groggy elevated boy did EDIT HER.

Tunes in my head: Fluffhead by Phish
Atmosphere: Meh

I feel the need to explain my way of thinking.

I am probably somewhat obsessive in some regards. Stats are one thing that really interest me. I'm sure you've all had to suffer through my "WHOA PHISH JUST PLAYED ESTHER FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2000" or something.

(on that note, first Sloth and Axilla since 2003, woot.)

I mean, don't you all have obsessions of that line around? Don't we all have some form of fanbitchism that runs to the bone?

Or am I the only one who gets so far in? Am I the one with the passion?

If so, please do not villify me for it.

--

Am I going insane? Possibly.

But it seems like running headlong into problems isn't working either.

So if I can't fight the problems, and I can't hide from them and run, what can I do?

Maybe I have to wait for time to pass before the solution is revealed.

Can I survive that long, however? Can I survive long enough to recover from the punch in the face?

--

What is friendship?

Is it the knowing nod as a statement is made that makes everyone smile in delight?

Is it the passing of time that bonds people?

Is it the sacrifice that people make?

Could it even be the littlest gesture, the tiniest thing that could mean a lot to one person, that they give to the other?

And so what if it isn't repicrocated? Does that mean the friendship is over? Or does it just mean that they're on a hiatus. And if so, can they recover?

I ask too many questions sometimes.

But things worry me. The big things, the things that most people see as important, do not faze me.

But the tiny things, the little omission, do.

All my failings exposed.

Tunes in my head: Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division
Atmosphere: Alert

Driving 140km/h and feeling slow is awesome.

Doing said in an 80 zone is even more awesome.

War museums, shopping centres, football stadiums.

Loud 80's post punk.

Today was awesome.

How bout yours?

I never guessed how the him would scream.

Tunes in my head: Dreams Never End by New Order
Atmosphere: Blogging for the sake of blogging.

I always knew words could be misinterpreted, but not to this degree.

You talk until your tongue falls out. And then you talk some more.

Tunes in my head: The Exploding Boy by The Cure
Atmosphere: Happy

I had a very good day today. I flirted endlessly with the girl I used to love, sat next to a different gorgeous girl for a while, and generally just walked out of today with a smile on my face.

But hey, that's life. Up and down endlessly, right?

Tomorrow I'm going to Canberra for the day, so woot. That should be reasonably good, it'll be nice to get a break. I'll try and blog before then to keep my streak going.

You need me so much more than I need you. So why treat me like I'm worthless?

Especially now, where you're losing so many people, you need me. You need a constant in a dervish.

So why risk losing it like you are now?

I've alternated my meager flock.

Tunes in my head: McGrupp and the Watchful Hosemasters by Phish
Atmosphere: Pissed off.

Promises don't mean shit if nothing happens.

Prairies longer than you can see.

Tunes in my head: (Don't Go Back To) Rockville by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Miserable.

How can one be in the arms of a person that makes them happy and still be miserable?

It's just amazing how the human psyche works sometimes.

The most uplifting activity can turn into the most depressing dirge within a moment.

The laughter of the world only greets him.

Tunes in my head: Seven Stones by Genesis
Atmosphere: Depressed, pissed off

I am not a commodity.

I am human, and I need to be loved. Just like everyone else does.

Please do not use me as an object to be discarded when I'm unwanted.

You will not get much of a chance to if you continue to go down this path.

The hose.

Tunes in my head: Bathtub Gin by Phish
Atmosphere: The beginning.

50,000 words.

48 days.

Let's go.

The torrent of helplessness swept me away.

Tunes in my head: Maze by Phish
Atmosphere: Depressed.

Yes, I will continue to feed from the bottom. Any morsels that fall, you know I'll just gobble up.

So I ask you why I'm swimming by.

Do I need to drown before I get pulled up? Or do I just need to reside in the dark for a while?

I can't be this low. The lights have gone out. Pull me up or pull me under.

The parents are constantly fighting. And it saddens me. It depresses me. But what can I do, y'know?

I feel used. People use me for my intellect or relationships or whatever. And then whenever I'm past my useby date, they just toss me aside.

Am I really just a piece of trash?

Oh, mother. I can feel the soil falling over my head.

Tunes in my head: I Know It's Over by The Smiths
Atmosphere: Depressed

Sitting here. In front of the heater. Alone.

Not a person speaks to me in the mornings. I can go two and a half, three hours without saying a word to anybody.

Is this a problem?

Yes.

It's amazing how the human psyche works, though.

How we can so calmly say one thing and do another.

if you're so funny, why are you on your own tonight?

I still miss intimacy. So much.

And yet it's impossible to recapture.

What will stop me from trying?

it's so easy to laugh
it's so easy to hate
it takes guts to be
gentle and kind
love is natural and real
but not for you my love
not tonight my love

I miss the little things people would do. Some still do them. Some don't.

Even just a goofy smile in the corridor can do anything to make my day.

But some people don't do that. The little things we do are gone. Forever.

Isn't that sad, my love? Isn't it sad that the strands of friendship are becoming frayed?

Go ahead, untangle them. If you want to make the effort. You seem resistant to the idea so far.

Yes, I'm bipolar. Part of me wants to leave you in the dust.

Part of me wants to be yours.

But whatever.

It's not my home. It's never mine.

Tunes in my head: There Is A Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths
Mood: Determined.

I've decided. I will become a writer. I have a lot to say. And so it begins.

My new life goal: Write a published novel by the age of 25.

Is that all I need to do to win you? If so, then it becomes easy.

What will it be about? Don't know yet.

Do I care? Not really. I will do it. And I know that.

Determination is easy to gain.

And seeing my name on the cover of a book would make my life.

Burn bright, through the night.

Tunes in my head: Life and How To Live It by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Busy

when you tire of one side
the other serves you best

Well, that's kinda how I feel right now. I feel like I just use one side of my bipolar nature until I get tired of it, then move to the other.

I'm pretty happy.

Part of me wants to move on, part of me doesn't.

And I can feel myself emerging from the depressive episode that I was in.

What do I do? What's best for me? What's best for the people around me?

I miss the past.

I miss the trickling hours as I heard your voice climb from tears to laughs.

The fact that I had that effect on someone for a fleeting moment made me happy.

Now I don't seem to have it anymore. All I seem to do is cause pain.

Things out of my mind.

Tunes in my head: Pebbles and Marbles by Phish
Atmosphere: Upbeat

So I'm reading the play I wrote in April.

It's still raw and emotional for me. I'm reading the final few pages and tearing up.

Boy, man, god, SHIT!

Tunes in my head: You Enjoy Myself by Phish
Atmosphere: Miserable.

I don't know. I can't be honest, because I know it hurts people to know what I honestly feel.

I can't lie, because people get hurt by it.

Do I just say nothing, and live in pain? Or do I speak out and cause others misery?

It's tearing me to pieces.

What do I do?

Removing myself from this would just make the situation worse.

But is me being there so ideal?

Let's all grab our buttcheeks.

Tunes in my head: Take the A-Train by Phish
Atmosphere: Mess

"What's that, Christabel?"

"You heard me, Page."

"I know, but I'm still in disbelief."

"I don't love you anymore."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I just don't."

"Are you happy?"

"No."

"Then why say you are?"

"To placate you."

"You do realise that by lying, it's just hurt me."

"Yes. But nobody can make me happy."

"You know I'm going to try, Christabel."

"Yeah. It's futile though."

"Doesn't mean I won't do it just to get a smile out of you."

"Why, Page?"

"Why, what?"

"Why do you continue to try so hard to make me happy?"

"Because. I love you."

"And does it hurt you to know that I'm with someone else?"

"Every single moment of every single day."

"I wish it weren't like this."

"Then change it."

"I don't know if I can."

"Are you going to try?"

"I don't know yet."

"Well, how can we know until you do? How can I know that you love me or not? I know there is a part of you that does."

"What makes you say that?"

"I cause pain. And yet you're still here."

"All friends cause each other pain, Page."

"I feel like I cause a lot more."

"You don't. You need to stop blaming yourself and just take life as it comes without getting so hung up on the consequences to others."

"But it's so hard. I'm designed to make other people happy. It's all I do. So when I try to make myself happy, I can never pull it off."

"Is there anything I can do to make you happy?"

"Yes."

"Can I do it now?"

"No."

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't know if it's possible anymore."

It's time to make love magic.

Tunes in my head: Time Has Told Me by Nick Drake
Atmosphere: Sick

I'm slightly hurt by the fact that you think I'm not completely honest with you.

But meh. You should know to ask me anything by now and expect an honest answer.

I still love you.

Call it all to Trenton.

Tunes in my head: Radio Free Europe by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Pissed off

It's just a sham.

Phoney, as Caufield would say, right?

But then again, when you ditch me and don't even invite me to your greatest celebration, then I should have the right to feel that way.

I should have the right to feel that whenever you want me to read a crappy piece of writing on Japanese films, that you're using me.

And it makes me sick to be continually associated with you.

Fuck off and die.

--

Your arrogance gives me the shits. You choose to take an event that nobody gains anything from and brag about it to one of the people who was hurt in it.

You constantly walk around with a stupid grin on your face.

It's not deserved.

Just because you got blessed with physical beauty doesn't mean that you have any sort of emotional feelings.

And it makes me sick to think that you still think I have any sort of friendship with you sometimes. Can't you tell that you're annoying the crap out of everyone with your general pretentiousness?

It's irresistable.

Tunes in my head: The Great Beautician In The Sky by Magazine
Atmosphere: Worthless

I obviously mean nothing to you. So why do I persist?

I'm not sure anymore.

Your hair shining in the golden wind.

Tunes in my head: A Saucerful Of Secrets by Pink Floyd
Atmosphere: Romantic.

looking over the grass blades short
i see the eyes just beaming forth
little strands still in your hair
lips caressing the words' beginnings

reaching out and hand slapped back
secrets encased within your soul
that innocent smirk the devilish smile
and then you fall and so do i

the sky turns red and illuminates shades
of skin and tears, brought forth by joy
vision blurred and taking strides
towards making the infinite dream

sirens' song on an infinite loop
and red hides behind the back
darkness clouds but skin reveals
the single light that keeps me there

overcome and still awake
drifting into and out of life
curled like an embryo
warmth radiates as lunar light

angel falls into a daze
and nobody sees the stomach's smile
darkness keeps the purity intact
and so we die under the clouds

Heaven and sun shoulders in the rain.

Tunes in my head: Perfect Circle by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Pensive.

No, you're not.

It's just a facade.

Bittersweet.

Life is just a bundle of joy.

Tunes in my head: Fluffhead by Phish
Atmosphere: Jubilant

What should I do for a haircut/style etc? I'm getting it done tomorrow sometime, so be quick.

And I feel pretty happy. Phish therapy ftw!

Gotta find my destiny before it gets away.

Tunes in my head: The Eternal by Joy Division
Atmosphere: Proud

As some of you may or may not know, at the beginning of the year, I embarked on a journey to lose weight in January. At the time, I weighed 90kg, and so embarked to get myself at 75kg by the HSC exam period.

In hindsight, that was a totally unrealistic goal, but hey, whatever.

After starting this journey, I actually gained weight. But through quitting caffeine, exercising more, I've made progress.

I'm now at 85kg. So I've made some progress. And I'm proud of it.

I feel better as a result, although it is tiring.

I have another 10 kilos to lose before I meet my ideal weight, but that can weight.

(awful puns ftw!)

My next goal is 80. I don't know when I'll reach it. But I will. And then I'll look half decent!

One, two, three, four.

Tunes in my head: Country Feedback by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Wanting to die

the flower is scorched
the film is on, it's on a maddening loop
these clothes, these clothes don't fit us right
and i'm to blame, it's all the same, it's all the same

you come to me with a bone in your hand
you come to me with your hair curled tight
you come to me with positions

you come to me with excuses
ducked out in a row
you wear me out, wear me out

we've been through breakdown
self hurt, plastics, collections
self help, self pain
est, psychics, fuck all

i was central, i had control, i lost my head
i need this i need this
the paperweight, junk garage, wedding ring, honey pie
crazy, all the lovers have been tagged

hotline wanted ad
crazy what you could have had
it's crazy what you could have had
it's crazy what you could have had
i need this
i need this

it's crazy what you could have had
it's crazy what you could have had
i need this
i need this

it's crazy what you could have had
it's crazy what you could have had
i need this
i need this

it's crazy what you could have had
i need this
i need this

IT'S CRAZY WHAT YOU COULD HAVE HAD
IT'S CRAZY WHAT YOU COULD HAVE HAD
I NEED THIS
I NEED THIS

it's crazy what you could have had
crazy what you could have had
i need this
i need this

Skies have been bluer.

Tunes in my head: Self by The Dude Of Life
Atmosphere: Okay?

You're very special to me. And you really don't know how much that you actually are.

You cheer me up when I need it and say the nicest things people have.

You keep my spirits up and give me perspective.

You stay with me when I need a person to make me smile.

Make me laugh when I'm suicidal.

Hey, music taste is also important.

And for that, I thank you.

(yes, this post is short. Time is, too.)

Would you please make clear to me?

Tunes in my head: NICU by Phish
Atmosphere: Suprisingly upbeat.

Well. Tonight's been up and down. But I'm actually feeling upbeat at the moment.

This is just to let you know that I can be happy sometimes, guys!

Probably a fleeting moment, but whatever.

I think the thing is, I'm taking it from all sides right now. And so I just need to survive and life will get better.

(thanks Ree, Bas, and Kasia.)

We gotta get on the road, don't we?

Tunes in my head: Destiny Unbound by Phish
Atmosphere: Angry, depressed

Highway Bill looked over to Jill and winced in pain
There was nothing more on the map but grass
Looking out the window the daffodill saw rain
And the road which they had found was some dirty underpass

We don't get on the road
And nobody knows where to find
The canister would explode
And there'd be teeth to grind

Highway Jill looked over at Bill and caressed his hair gently
Destiny looked at them and smiled, sickly twisted
Bill threw the wheel and the turn came subtly
And the car's fate was revisited

We don't get on the road
And nobody knows where to find
The relationship would explode
And there'd be teeth to grind

When Bill turned to look at Jill and snarled his furious delight
There was no real response or even desperate thought
Destiny unbound itself and took further flight
In the ground was the result when they fought

We don't get on the road
And nobody knows where to find
We gotta get on the road
And there's nobody there to be kind

As Antony said to Cleopatra...

Tunes in my head: Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others by The Smiths
Atmosphere: Happyish?

it's so easy to laugh
it's so easy to hate
it takes strength to be gentle and kind

SEXTEEN CANDLES

Tunes in my head: Sixteen Candles by Phish
Atmosphere: Okay?

Well. I'm still stressed out as all fuck. My personal life is in a fucking mess. I'm constantly sick. And the HSC is a mere four weeks away.

It'll be okay.

Really.

There is pain I can't get over now. But whatever.

It'll pass, I hope.

I just always get the feeling of being second in everyone's eyes. The back up plan.

It's making me suffer. The fact that nobody can ever take me for their own. That nobody can ever treasure me for what I am because they've always got first preferences in front of me. It's destroying me slowly.

But I can't do a damn thing about it.

Not without causing pain to others. And it isn't worth it.

I mean, sure, are there people that care about me? Sure. But they've got others to care about first and foremost, and all the power to them. It's just that nobody ever feels the need to compliment me or be aggressive in regards to maintaining me in their life or whatever.

Part of me doesn't blame them. I'm such a carefree, laidback person that it shouldn't be a worry.

Yet it does. I'm only human, after all. I have emotions and feelings. And yet people don't take that into account sometimes.

And for even a fleeting moment, if someone does, they really don't know how much it means to be.

Part of me is wanting to change the atmosphere to "depressed" now, but I promised someone I'd be okay.

I don't know if I will.

But I'm trying, so hard.

It's just not working. And it's really killing me.

I don't want to be this way. There's just nothing I can do about it. As the sort of person I am, who wants to make people happy, I neglected my own feelings for too long.

All of these dreams will leak into the underground stream.

Tunes in my head: Walls of the Cave by Phish
Atmosphere: Depressed, as per usual. Right, guys?

When a person with no confidence at all is told about the positives and the virtues of someone else, they compare themselves to what appears to me this great person.

Even though this person may not be so great, the person's perception drags them further down into the abyss.

And so they sink further down into the river of confidence.

And what can they do to pull themselves up? Nothing.

But what can the people around the sinker do? They can try and help.

Or at least they can stop pushing their head underwater.

Every time she looks...

Tunes in my head: Shesmovedon by Porcupine Tree
Atmosphere: Hopeless

Why is confidence so damn hard to find? Everyone else seems to have a resevoir. I have nothing. And it's killing me. Slowly.

You're funny and you don't even try.

Tunes in my head: Crazy by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Thoughtful

"...discuss: 1st time"

Someone sent me this message on MSN about twenty minutes ago. It got me thinking, and we discussed how the first time of an experience is always the most potent. Sex, drugs, love, bungee jumping, anything.

And why is that? Do we lose a part of ourselves the first time we try something? Maybe.

Anything we try more than once is merely an attempt to recreate that first experience.

Discuss.

Nobody noticed that I forgot to title this when I posted this for the first time. Really.

Tunes in my head: Bigmouth Strikes Again by The Smiths
Atmosphere: Strangely upbeat?

So yeah, I feel reasonably decent today. I'm going to run havoc all over these trials, and there ain't nothing they can do, when Liammania runs wild over them.

[/lame]

Um. I should study?

And yeah, I dunno why I'm feeling so upbeat. It's rather strange.

This is a rather good album. Who recommended it to me?

What's my fantasical, ideal life? Haven't decided yet. Something where I can work in an artistic capacity. With a person who feels the same way. Sorry, Kasia, but I don't see myself marrying a neurosurgeon. :P

if a double decker bus crashes into us
to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die
if a ten ton truck kills the both of us
to die by your side the pleasure the privledge is mine

The wakeup bomb.

Tunes in my head: Perfect Circle by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Reminiscent

Just came to a realisation. For someone so open minded, I spent a lot of time looking into the past.

And it isn't healthy.

But it's so hard to let go. All of the time. Any little trace of happiness is one I cling desperately onto. Even if it's totally unhealthy for everyone involved.

And it's coming back to stab me, one wound at a time.

Even so, it's still so hard to let things go from my bloody grasp. The thought of losing something that brings me and others happiness. Even if it's totally intangible, a notion or anything along those lines.

The women come and go, talking of Michelangelo.

Is it normal to be this obsessed with happiness and the pursuit of it?

If it is, why do I get the feeling that it isn't?

If it isn't, why won't someone pull me from the abyss and slap some sense into me?

Any small shred of happiness is welcomed these days. And I long for the days where I wouldn't need to fight for it. But they won't come again.

Yet I still yearn.

I fear university. Not for the challenge.

But for the challenge of making connections. And maintaining the ones I still have. It proves harder. By the day.

Can I gain happiness through the facing the challenge head on, and fearlessly running into the dark? Or will my longing for past experience hold me back?

I need to stop.

I need to look forward.

And if I can look back and forward at the same time, great. But I don't know if I'll be able to.

Hope.

Filter out the everglades!

Tunes in my head: Water in the Sky by Phish
Atmosphere: Tired, depressed.

listen as she speaks to you
hear the voices flutter through
watch them fall and let them lie

rising tides and ocean falls

I need to find an outlet for all of this negative energy that I'm currently harnessing. And I can't go swimming in some sea or anything to do it.

But I can't seem to find one.

The only outlet that actually works isn't something one can try every day.

Every time I try to recreate that and write I just fall farther down the abyss.

And it's not a fun fall.

I clamber my way back up a little bit, and then get kicked in the face.

Is it part of the human spirit then to continue climbing back up, and to continue making an attempt to make themselves good?

Got my UAC guide today. In eight and a half weeks, I will have left school forever.

And I don't even know whether to be happy or sad.

Why do I keep writing here? Barely anyone reads this on a regular or semi-regular basis. It just makes me think about issues and get more and more depressed. Do I really have intellectual worth or am I just some typically angsty psuedo-smart teenager who talks like a part of the intelligensia but in reality is rather stupid, naive and bitter, and so tries to hide it? Does anybody even care about this, or am I just writing for my own eyes? I mean, I know that I refuse to censor this ever, because the first target audience is me. But it'd be nice to have someone come up to me some day and go "hey, Liam, your blog on Thursday really touched me, thankyou for writing it."

And even when people do that, it just feels so hollow. Like they're only doing it out of obligation for me, to make me feels that infitismally little bit better. Of course, it's only a brief respite, but I suppose any is good. For every other moment of my day, I sit here and just wallow in my solitary shell.

Time to end this awfully depressing post on a final note, I guess?

I took a moment from my day
And wrapped it up in things you say
Mailed it off to your address
You'll get it pretty soon unless

The packaging begins to break
And all the points I try to make
Are tossed with thoughts into a bin
Time leaks out my life leaks in

You won't find moments in a box
And someone else will set your clocks
I took a moment from my day
And wrapped it up in things you say
And mailed it off to you.

Obsession?

Tunes in my head: Nightswimming by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Wet

Is obsession such a dangerous thing?

Sometimes, I guess.

I mean, I get obsessed with things all of the time. But people rarely realise it.

And when they do, it's for the inconsequential things. The things that make people laugh because I'm obsessed.

But it's a very real problem sometimes for me.

Dipping in too far to the river.

And I get bitten by whatever's at the bottom.

Yet the sensation of being in water is so good.

And so I can't stop.

As much as I really want to sometimes, I can never ever stop being obsessed with things.

And it's starting to kill.

Addiction, part two.

Tunes in my head: Crosseyed and Painless by Talking Heads
Atmosphere: Content.

So apparently I become a lot snappier and angrier when I'm not on caffeine. Wow.

But the anxiety has stopped, anyway.

Addiction.

Tunes in my head: Requiem by King Crimson
Mood: Sleepy

I don't know. Quitting something so addictive has proven to be extremely hard so far.

ca·thar·sis

n. pl. ca·thar·ses (-sēz) Medicine Purgation, especially for the digestive system. A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience. A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit. Psychology A technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness. The therapeutic result of this process; abreaction. [New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein, to purge, from katharos, pure.]

On a lighter note...

Tunes in my head: Spellbound by Siouxsie and the Banshees
Atmosphere: Anger

My family is utterly falling apart and there isn't a damn thing you or I can do about it. And unlike most times, this time it is actually someone who chooses to destroy their nose and their family with white powder. It is just one person's fault. And I hope they fucking die.

Part of me wants to watch their breath be slowly drained away between my hands. But I know that's an impossibility. I know that that crap is an utter impossibility if I want to make myself a decent person like they aren't.

I mean, I know I'm a good person. I'm often misguided, but I really do try hard and everyone knows that I have good intentions nearly all the time. I don't deliberately go out of my way to utterly destroy people.

And what about this blog? Well, I don't apologise for anything in here. It is me, uncensored. (no nudes coming, Jesse.) If you have a problem with the content, comment. And we'll discuss it. But it is a journal, and I honestly don't care who the fuck reads it. If I'm angry I'll post something angry. If I'm jubilant I'll post something jubilant.

If you really want to get to know me, though, read ahead.

And yes, I was actually really happy today. Until the bitch ruined my day.

This is not a false alarm. The hand that reaches for help gets slapped away.

The pills are in my hand.

You won't steal my tape recorder!

Tunes in my head: Poor Heart by Phish
Atmosphere: Bored

You taunt me like a penguin at night
And then you talk and give me such a fright
At eight in the morning I see you smirk
And when you get me, you might be a jerk
This poem is awful, and I'm sure you know it
But that's your fault, for being such a twit
Even the rhyming scheme sucks so bad
But that's not a problem, cause you're so rad
Every day I see you, and it just gets gradually worse
You're so full of crap, you'll gradually burst
But I still love ya, and take your comments well
And hey, you're even the sort of guy to be swell
So when it hits midnight, and your birthday begins
Don't be near those nasty bottled gins
I'm surprised you've survived all of this time with me
But hey, maybe you're just not listening
Yes, that was a particularly bad one
But one day, I guess you'll tell your son
About the day a maniac wrote so fast
About his friend, a guy named Bas
And there's no lines, nothing more to say
So all there is to it is to go "happy birthday!"

She didn't want to know how long we had together.

Tunes in my head: A Pink Dream by The Cure
Atmosphere: Frazzled.

Gah, I accidentally deleted a blog entry.

Today's been an enlightening day, I suppose. I got a lot of things off my chest. People have just been blunt with me for once, and I appreciate it.

I feel much better with a lack of caffeine. Even mentally.

Ooh, found the post.

Tunes in my head: Love Scene (Take Four) by Pink Floyd
Atmosphere: Wet, tired

Okay, I'm probably about to crash for a bit, so I might as well blog now while I still have conscious thought processes.

I feel better about myself after the past couple of days. I got a lot of things off my chest, I've had people just be up front and honest for once, and I feel better for it.

Hey, lookie here. I just repeated myself twice. Woot!

Uh. What else can I say?

EYES!

Why are people so attracted to eyes?

Is it because, as people say, they're the window into people's souls?

I mean, I can generally tell people's emotions merely from their eyes.

Or is it because of the fleeting glance of colour on a mainly monochromatic body?

Is that why bright eyes are generally considered more appealing? Because they contrast more with the skin and thus attract your attention?

I mean, I personally prefer brighter eyes myself. A bright blue or green can hold my imagination for years.

Maybe that's it? Maybe the fact that a person's eyes are locked with yours means "hey, they're paying attention to me!"

Eye contact means a lot to me, and tells a lot about a person, doesn't it?

Darting eyes mean doubt, constant means confidence?

Or maybe the opposite?

The line of strength that pulls me through the fear.

Tunes in my head: San Jacinto by Peter Gabriel
Atmosphere: Peaceful

Quitting caffeine was by far the best move. Ever.

Arms of lovers.

Tunes in my head: We Live As We Dream, Alone by Gang of Four
Atmosphere: Upbeat.

So I went to go and see the counsellor today. We had a nice hour long discussion about stress, et cetera. It made me feel a lot better.

And I also got my new ADSL installed today. So now I'm on wireless all of the time. Woot.

Um. Not going to school tomorrow. Coughed up blood during today's Extension assessment. So, yeah, I rule.

Except for the timing. Being away during an assessment? Never happened before. :(

we live as we dream alone
to break the shell we mix with the others
we were not born in isolation
but sometimes it seems that way

what's the use?

Tunes in my head: Seven Below by Phish
Atmosphere: Sick, depressed.

Is it worth giving up my health and my sanity in order to please the people around me?

Or is it vital to keep myself healthy while others get annoyed?

zither

Tunes in my head: Mock Song by Phish
Atmosphere: Pissed off.

I suppose there is still beauty in music. In light and darkness.

Zither, Rachel, Cardamom, Frost - But at what cost?
Threshold, Skin, Fortress, Win - A life of sin
Pliers, Tension, Toy Store, Grace - The human race
Raking, Fourteen, Basket, Screw - Now how 'bout you?
Passion, Cardboard, Raisin, Stop - A better crop
Field, Cater, Open, New - Who's mocking who?
It's just a mock song...

Gas, Thirsty, Rattle, Tick - A bone to pick
Fountain, Egg, Treason, Cave - Will you dance on grave?
Throat, Carrot, Meeting, Choke -I got that joke
Temper, Thistle, Rodney, Wilt - The house I built
Fewer, Pink, Kyle, Ball - I've known them all
Penny, Thistle, Cell Phone, Blow - Reap what you sow
Because it's just a mock song
Call it what you will.

She burns as I drive into the sun.

Tunes in my head: Humdrum by Peter Gabriel
Atmosphere: Annoyed.

One day at school and I'm already pissed off. I have too much work. I'm sick for the quillionth time. Friendships are disintegrating.

And there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it.

This was written at 7:30 this morning.

Try to win, speak out sometimes.

Tunes in my head: Perfect Circle by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Dying

Fever.

Throat.

Cough.

Headache.

Dying.

Combien du temps?

Tunes in my head: Talk About The Passion by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Fuck off and die, world.

What makes intimacy?

Is it the things you do?

Or the things you don't?

Is it the little things? The affectionate headrub, the look in one's eyes when they say something, the way they say goodbye?

And how do we know if we feel intimacy? Of course there's no light to go off.

Few people have felt absolute true intimacy.

And even fewer have felt it and known it.

Treasure it before it dies.

We live as we dream alone.

Tunes in my head: World Leader Pretend by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Content

I've finally figured out that I can do practice essays to some degree of mechanism. :(

It's amazing what devices you can sympathise.

School was okay. Cute German girls ftw.

Don't know what to say right now, so someone give me some ideas, please?

I have got to find the river.

Tunes in my head: Find The River by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Painful

What exactly is the river?

Could it be a metaphor for one's journey? One could discuss how they walked the banks of the river in order to reach the ocean?

river turns into the ocean, far beyond the undertow

Or could the river be something a lot darker? What does one find at the bottom of a river? Bones?

sleeping underneath the reeds, breathing shallowed and then falls

Or could the river show progress? Constantly flowing. Never stopping. One may not even know of the movement it makes.

waterwheel whirls around, rushing past in perfect time

The perfect kiss is the kiss of death.

Tunes in my head: The Perfect Kiss by New Order
Atmosphere: Utterly distracted.

Why would someone use FROG sounds in a song?

Can't write any more right now. Utterly distracted. GAH.

The lunacy breaking through.

Tunes in my head: The Curtain by Phish
Atmosphere: Creative

as he saw his life run away from him
thousands ran along
chanting words from a song
"please we have no regrets"
came from the baby's mouth
they followed the lines going south

What exactly is bliss? Could it be the feeling you get after a particular achievement?

Could it be the feeling after you have a romantic interlude for five minutes with someone?

Is it what happens after you sit and eat a tub of icecream and watch chick flicks?

For me, it's hearing those six lines.

Why don't you share what your opinion of bliss is?

(and any smart arse who says "the ninth song from Billy Breathes" gets a slap.)

A hundred million birds fly away.

Tunes in my head: King of Birds by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Creative

When a bird takes flight, they have no caution to the wind.
They merely go on their suicidal mission with no fear.
And when they crash and die
They are thankful for taking the risk.
But if a bird comes back from the flight
Then they tell the others in the flock
About how rejuvenating the experience was.
Why don't more of them take the chance?
In the grand scale, they are merely a member of the group.
The very large group.
Their fate is rather inconsequential, isn't it?
They can touch a few people, but others ignore.
And so there is no risk in taking one.
If we cannot affect anyone in flight or in crash
Then the effects of failing a risk are ultimately pointless.
And so the unwillingness to take a risk is
Ultimately the same, right?

I'd settle for a cup of coffee but you know what I need.

Tunes in my head: I Don't Sleep, I Dream by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Uh?

I don't know right now. I'm just kinda existing. Let's find something to say, Liam, before you crack and disintegrate again.

I can't even rhyme.
So begin the begin.

I don't know why, but sometimes the words just can't come.

Should we feel the need to privatise these journals? Some do, and I don't understand. Maybe they're concerned about people being offended.

But doesn't that destroy the whole point of doing this? As far as I see it, these "blogs" are, from my perspective, a personal writing space, my own little corner of the internet. If someone gets offended by what I write, should I care? Of course not.

Do I? To some extent, yes.

Then again, I refuse to privatise this, so I cannot offend, I guess.

If only I could be a camera. If only someone could take a perfect snap of what's going on in my head and put it on here without my knowledge or bias. It would make things easier.

More difficult, but easier.

My own bias hurts sometimes. Holding back for the sole reason of trying not to offend, even when I need to get it out. Not want, need.

And do I care who reads this? Sure, I do. But I can't control it at this rate, so I guess I'm dead in the water about complaining.

Yes, I have no idea what this is about either.