You won't steal my tape recorder!

Tunes in my head: Poor Heart by Phish
Atmosphere: Bored

You taunt me like a penguin at night
And then you talk and give me such a fright
At eight in the morning I see you smirk
And when you get me, you might be a jerk
This poem is awful, and I'm sure you know it
But that's your fault, for being such a twit
Even the rhyming scheme sucks so bad
But that's not a problem, cause you're so rad
Every day I see you, and it just gets gradually worse
You're so full of crap, you'll gradually burst
But I still love ya, and take your comments well
And hey, you're even the sort of guy to be swell
So when it hits midnight, and your birthday begins
Don't be near those nasty bottled gins
I'm surprised you've survived all of this time with me
But hey, maybe you're just not listening
Yes, that was a particularly bad one
But one day, I guess you'll tell your son
About the day a maniac wrote so fast
About his friend, a guy named Bas
And there's no lines, nothing more to say
So all there is to it is to go "happy birthday!"

She didn't want to know how long we had together.

Tunes in my head: A Pink Dream by The Cure
Atmosphere: Frazzled.

Gah, I accidentally deleted a blog entry.

Today's been an enlightening day, I suppose. I got a lot of things off my chest. People have just been blunt with me for once, and I appreciate it.

I feel much better with a lack of caffeine. Even mentally.

Ooh, found the post.

Tunes in my head: Love Scene (Take Four) by Pink Floyd
Atmosphere: Wet, tired

Okay, I'm probably about to crash for a bit, so I might as well blog now while I still have conscious thought processes.

I feel better about myself after the past couple of days. I got a lot of things off my chest, I've had people just be up front and honest for once, and I feel better for it.

Hey, lookie here. I just repeated myself twice. Woot!

Uh. What else can I say?

EYES!

Why are people so attracted to eyes?

Is it because, as people say, they're the window into people's souls?

I mean, I can generally tell people's emotions merely from their eyes.

Or is it because of the fleeting glance of colour on a mainly monochromatic body?

Is that why bright eyes are generally considered more appealing? Because they contrast more with the skin and thus attract your attention?

I mean, I personally prefer brighter eyes myself. A bright blue or green can hold my imagination for years.

Maybe that's it? Maybe the fact that a person's eyes are locked with yours means "hey, they're paying attention to me!"

Eye contact means a lot to me, and tells a lot about a person, doesn't it?

Darting eyes mean doubt, constant means confidence?

Or maybe the opposite?

The line of strength that pulls me through the fear.

Tunes in my head: San Jacinto by Peter Gabriel
Atmosphere: Peaceful

Quitting caffeine was by far the best move. Ever.

Arms of lovers.

Tunes in my head: We Live As We Dream, Alone by Gang of Four
Atmosphere: Upbeat.

So I went to go and see the counsellor today. We had a nice hour long discussion about stress, et cetera. It made me feel a lot better.

And I also got my new ADSL installed today. So now I'm on wireless all of the time. Woot.

Um. Not going to school tomorrow. Coughed up blood during today's Extension assessment. So, yeah, I rule.

Except for the timing. Being away during an assessment? Never happened before. :(

we live as we dream alone
to break the shell we mix with the others
we were not born in isolation
but sometimes it seems that way

what's the use?

Tunes in my head: Seven Below by Phish
Atmosphere: Sick, depressed.

Is it worth giving up my health and my sanity in order to please the people around me?

Or is it vital to keep myself healthy while others get annoyed?

zither

Tunes in my head: Mock Song by Phish
Atmosphere: Pissed off.

I suppose there is still beauty in music. In light and darkness.

Zither, Rachel, Cardamom, Frost - But at what cost?
Threshold, Skin, Fortress, Win - A life of sin
Pliers, Tension, Toy Store, Grace - The human race
Raking, Fourteen, Basket, Screw - Now how 'bout you?
Passion, Cardboard, Raisin, Stop - A better crop
Field, Cater, Open, New - Who's mocking who?
It's just a mock song...

Gas, Thirsty, Rattle, Tick - A bone to pick
Fountain, Egg, Treason, Cave - Will you dance on grave?
Throat, Carrot, Meeting, Choke -I got that joke
Temper, Thistle, Rodney, Wilt - The house I built
Fewer, Pink, Kyle, Ball - I've known them all
Penny, Thistle, Cell Phone, Blow - Reap what you sow
Because it's just a mock song
Call it what you will.

She burns as I drive into the sun.

Tunes in my head: Humdrum by Peter Gabriel
Atmosphere: Annoyed.

One day at school and I'm already pissed off. I have too much work. I'm sick for the quillionth time. Friendships are disintegrating.

And there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it.

This was written at 7:30 this morning.

Try to win, speak out sometimes.

Tunes in my head: Perfect Circle by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Dying

Fever.

Throat.

Cough.

Headache.

Dying.

Combien du temps?

Tunes in my head: Talk About The Passion by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Fuck off and die, world.

What makes intimacy?

Is it the things you do?

Or the things you don't?

Is it the little things? The affectionate headrub, the look in one's eyes when they say something, the way they say goodbye?

And how do we know if we feel intimacy? Of course there's no light to go off.

Few people have felt absolute true intimacy.

And even fewer have felt it and known it.

Treasure it before it dies.

We live as we dream alone.

Tunes in my head: World Leader Pretend by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Content

I've finally figured out that I can do practice essays to some degree of mechanism. :(

It's amazing what devices you can sympathise.

School was okay. Cute German girls ftw.

Don't know what to say right now, so someone give me some ideas, please?

I have got to find the river.

Tunes in my head: Find The River by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Painful

What exactly is the river?

Could it be a metaphor for one's journey? One could discuss how they walked the banks of the river in order to reach the ocean?

river turns into the ocean, far beyond the undertow

Or could the river be something a lot darker? What does one find at the bottom of a river? Bones?

sleeping underneath the reeds, breathing shallowed and then falls

Or could the river show progress? Constantly flowing. Never stopping. One may not even know of the movement it makes.

waterwheel whirls around, rushing past in perfect time

The perfect kiss is the kiss of death.

Tunes in my head: The Perfect Kiss by New Order
Atmosphere: Utterly distracted.

Why would someone use FROG sounds in a song?

Can't write any more right now. Utterly distracted. GAH.

The lunacy breaking through.

Tunes in my head: The Curtain by Phish
Atmosphere: Creative

as he saw his life run away from him
thousands ran along
chanting words from a song
"please we have no regrets"
came from the baby's mouth
they followed the lines going south

What exactly is bliss? Could it be the feeling you get after a particular achievement?

Could it be the feeling after you have a romantic interlude for five minutes with someone?

Is it what happens after you sit and eat a tub of icecream and watch chick flicks?

For me, it's hearing those six lines.

Why don't you share what your opinion of bliss is?

(and any smart arse who says "the ninth song from Billy Breathes" gets a slap.)

A hundred million birds fly away.

Tunes in my head: King of Birds by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Creative

When a bird takes flight, they have no caution to the wind.
They merely go on their suicidal mission with no fear.
And when they crash and die
They are thankful for taking the risk.
But if a bird comes back from the flight
Then they tell the others in the flock
About how rejuvenating the experience was.
Why don't more of them take the chance?
In the grand scale, they are merely a member of the group.
The very large group.
Their fate is rather inconsequential, isn't it?
They can touch a few people, but others ignore.
And so there is no risk in taking one.
If we cannot affect anyone in flight or in crash
Then the effects of failing a risk are ultimately pointless.
And so the unwillingness to take a risk is
Ultimately the same, right?

I'd settle for a cup of coffee but you know what I need.

Tunes in my head: I Don't Sleep, I Dream by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Uh?

I don't know right now. I'm just kinda existing. Let's find something to say, Liam, before you crack and disintegrate again.

I can't even rhyme.
So begin the begin.

I don't know why, but sometimes the words just can't come.

Should we feel the need to privatise these journals? Some do, and I don't understand. Maybe they're concerned about people being offended.

But doesn't that destroy the whole point of doing this? As far as I see it, these "blogs" are, from my perspective, a personal writing space, my own little corner of the internet. If someone gets offended by what I write, should I care? Of course not.

Do I? To some extent, yes.

Then again, I refuse to privatise this, so I cannot offend, I guess.

If only I could be a camera. If only someone could take a perfect snap of what's going on in my head and put it on here without my knowledge or bias. It would make things easier.

More difficult, but easier.

My own bias hurts sometimes. Holding back for the sole reason of trying not to offend, even when I need to get it out. Not want, need.

And do I care who reads this? Sure, I do. But I can't control it at this rate, so I guess I'm dead in the water about complaining.

Yes, I have no idea what this is about either.

Bag it, tag it, sell it to the butcher in the store.

Tunes in my head: Reba by Phish
Atmosphere: Productive...?

Is it sad that I actually enjoy going to school and doing work? Even if it's all inconsequential in like three months, anyway, I find it somewhat enjoyable to write these days.

(as can be seen from this blog.)

Even essay writing is decently fun these days. What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't know, maybe it gets my mind off things.

I've only got ten weeks left, though. Ten weeks...and then I'm gone forever. And I'll fucking miss it.

Ice is all he was made of.

Tunes in my head: Mound by Phish
Atmosphere: Bouncy

I'm actually feeling somewhat good right now!

I can narrow it down to two things, one of which I can mention right now.

LYLAT WARS!

Seriously, most awesome game ever. Any time I feel blue from now on, I'm just going to pump that game up and shoot down some ships.

Last night, I even got a high score (1333 ships down) by going through MacBeth instead of through Sector Z for once. Guys, I am ridiculously awesome.

And yes, the game even brings along heart stopping moments. Flying through exploding tunnels with only one wing puts anyone on edge, doesn't it?

So yeah. Go out and get a copy, whether for N64 or on the Wii's Virtual Console. You won't regret it.

Be well.

Tunes in my head: New Orleans Instrumental No.1 by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Suicidal.

Can I do anything right? Or will the rollercoaster just continue to imbed itself in the ground?

Dying slow. Letting go of life.

Shattering, kaleidoscope style.

Tunes in my head: Christine by Siouxsie and the Banshees
Atmosphere: Miserably lonely.

I went for a walk to get a newspaper, and came back with a realisation (and a panic attack.)

Everything I do, from music tastes to creatively writing, revolves around one theme.

Every emotion I feel seems to revolve around some permutation of it.

Loneliness.

Always there.

It explains everything. The constant selflessness. The need for affection and praise. The silliness. The eccentricity. The emotional side. All a cry for help.

I need somebody to do something to prevent me from dying. Not physically. But emotionally. Creatively. Psychologically.

Help.

Everything is gone forever.

Tunes in my head: A Strange Day by The Cure
Atmosphere: Okay. Happier.

My head turns into dust.

Why do people get this unexplainable urge to kill themselves at points? It seems so useless.

And yet it sometimes seems like the only escape, doesn't it? It seems like the only way that a person can get away from their problems.

Will it really get a person away from their problems, or will it just create new ones?

I mean, sure, the person doesn't have to directly deal with the existing problems, whatever they may be. But then, the questions are never answered.

It's like an analogy I once heard for relationships. People sometimes hold back the most valuable piece of the puzzle - the cat's eye that creates the whole personality of the piece.

So if a person permanently takes themselves away, they take away the ability to one day complete the puzzle.

And what's the worth of that, right? It's an incredibly selfish move. How dare they have the audacity (no, not the program, Bas) to take away something that would cause a lot of people joy?

Yes, I know. From my own personal perspective, suicide has looked good. One in eight, in fact. But right now? Life is getting better. It's not fantastic, but at least I don't feel like flinging myself off a cliff.

Possibly because of the jigsaw. If any one of us goes, then pieces will be missing. And isn't the beauty of the puzzle the completed picture?

Tunes in my head: Kohoutek by R.E.M.

Isn't life fleeting? One moment we can be having a pure moment of intensity and the next it'll just be gone. The bridge will burn.

I have got to find the ocean.

Tunes in my head: Find the River by R.E.M.

Hey now, little speedyhead,
The read on the speedmeter says
You have to go to task in the city
Where people drown and people serve.
Dont be shy. your just deserve
Is only just light years to go.

Me, my thoughts are flower strewn
Ocean storm, bayberry moon.
I have got to leave to find my way.
Watch the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes.
Nothing is going my way.

The ocean is the rivers goal,
A need to leave the water knows
Were closer now than light years to go.

I have got to find the river,
Bergamot and vetiver
Run through my head and fall away.
Leave the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes.
Nothing is going my way.

Theres no one left to take the lead,
But I tell you and you can see
Were closer now than light years to go.
Pick up here and chase the ride.
The river empties to the tide.
Fall into the ocean.

The river to the ocean goes,
A fortune for the undertow.
None of this is going my way.
There is nothing left to throw
Of ginger, lemon, indigo,
Coriander stem and rose of hay.
Strength and courage overrides
The privileged and weary eyes
Of river poet search naivete.
Pick up here and chase the ride.
The river empties to the tide.
All of this is coming your way



Just felt like sharing this song, I guess. Be well.

Coasting the terrace, approaching the rift.

Tunes in my head: Rift by Phish

People are like cliffs. They get damaged. The softness erodes. Leaving only hardness to remain.

Hear them talk, and hear them sing, Uncle Pen.

Tunes in my head: Bathtub Gin - Phish

There is no time for pain
No energy for anger
Sightlessness and hatred slips away

(Learning to Live - Dream Theater)

Then why does the human race still get absolutely bleeding furious at things? Surely the energy one uses for anger could be better used for better things?

Surely the energy used for anger can be used for love or creativity or intellectuality?

But then again, anger is sometimes used to enhance those emotions, isn't it? A lot of the most creative moments in music, film and art are expressions of anger, aren't they?

Softly sing sweet songs.

Tunes in my head: Billy Breathes by Phish

Harmony is a beautiful thing.

softly sing sweet songs
(tumbling greens and pick up screams)
(softly sing sweet sounds)

But then again. Harmony rarely comes naturally like it does here. And why can't it?

Can't get there from here?

Tunes in my head: Does Everyone Stare by The Police

I cannot stand arrogance. If I end up in a room with you in the near future, you will leave with a broken nose. That is all. How dare you exploit people to that extent.

I could live a million.

Tunes in my head: 1,000,000 by R.E.M.

If one withdraws into the shell, then they cannot be hurt, right?

But what if the shell's cracked? Does the turtle become vulnerable merely because of a minor shell in their unblemishable cacoon?

And even if the covering is pristine, there's still a gap for the head. So anything aimed at the head would still likely hit, wouldn't it?

Like words.

Only we remember.

Tunes in my head: Veneno Para Las Hadas by Steven Wilson

Turn the pulse. Feel breathing. Growing faster by the day.

Poison for the faires. If only. If we could poison the little ghosts on our shoulders, it wouldn't be so goddamn hard.

And yet my stomach turns.

Another mask bottled up inside my wound. Only to come up when the cut reopens itself.

Laughing endlessly. Laughing in tune, even.

A thought.

Tunes in my head: So. Central Rain by R.E.M.

if feelings could kill, this would be a holocaust.

The passion that sparked me one terrible night. It shocked and persuaded my soul to ignite.

Tunes in my head: Rift by Phish

Passion is one of those things that seems to be hard to define properly, isn't it? We all apparently have different definitions.

How can one know that they feel passion for something? True, unbridled passion.

Unfortunately, there's no magic sign that says "passion on!". If there was, then life would be at least a little bit easier.

Passion just seems to come and go. Intensity followed by tepidness. Is this a normal thing, or am I unusual in that my passion for writing and music seems to ebb and flow?

I should be writing a piece. For relaxation's sake. But I can't seem to find the passion to make the story flow.

And that's tragic, I suppose. Hopefully it will not last forever. I hate to think that I'd be leaving a comparitively very small footprint of literature for humankind to read.

I don't neccesarily feel I'm evolutionary, but I'm unusual in terms of writers in the contexts in which I've been surrounded by. Conventionality. And yet I cannot write a conventional story in any shape or form.

Is this a strength or a weakness? I don't know anymore. I don't feel passion for what I write at this point. Maybe I just need a little bit of pressure to get the creative juices flowing again.

I don't need a deadline right now, though. Last thing I need is more pressure on top of me now.

I raise the wall. And I will be the one to knock it down.

Tunes in my head: World Leader Pretend by R.E.M.

I'm feeling so gosh darn lethargic right now. No idea why.

I sometimes wonder if I consciously put a wall in between myself and other people. Block them out from my inner shell.

If I do, and you want to be included in my little private world, then go away. Or something XD

Why does one become lethargic for no apparent reason? After four or six or eight hours one just dies and go to sleep. Does anyone know if there's a physical reason why some people just crash after a short period of time?

Um. School tomorrow is going to suck. Does anyone know where I can get a clown suit? Quick?

And school today sucked. I came in for AN HOUR AND A HALF OF WORK. :(

If someone gives me a topic, I'll write.

Don't make me tickle you,
Liam

A Short History of Almost Something

Tunes in my head: Leeds United by Amanda Palmer

Before I even start, muchos thanks to Ree for sending me this. Four songs in and I'm loving it.

Um. What happened today. Woke up at 6:30am to a freezing house. Rolled out of bed, sat in front of the heater, didn't move until 7:30. Finally got up, got dressed, got to the bus stop. Bought a four pack of Red Bull (BAD MOVE LIAM), along with mini deoderant, etc.

Bought a fucking awesome strawberry milkshake. Anyone who goes into Blacktown after 7:30, go to DCM for awesome thickshakes. Seriously. *drool*

Then caught the train, walked into school, arrived at 9:40. Had a twenty minute chat to Anna while people slowly filtered in.

Started Extension at 10:00, and did Hound for two hours. Jesus, it went quick. Then I went with Chris, Adrian, Anna, Kim and Har-Ching to Hungry Jack's, ate, raced back.

Ran out some trespassers who were in danger of damaging Chris et al's cars.

I got an A for Core Homework. I am so fucking proud of this. *jumped for joy*

Then another two hours passed. I think I'm maturing into a good essay writer. About fucking time. :P

Then Chris drove me to Westpoint. Walked in, walked past Davor (who saved my life by giving me money back for pizza without him even knowing that I needed it - if you're reading this, thanks!), bumped into Nick, raced to Woolies to get Doritoes, got the bus to Ree's.

Got to Ree's, tackled her, spent an amazing two or so hours with her, made her day to a small extent, I think. I EVEN GOT TO LOOK INTO HER ROOM! And do the crossword, Red Bull toasts, all of that crap. It was super fun.

And here I am, listening to Amanda Palmer. About time I had a great day, isn't it?

And yes, you're a guitar hero.

Who feels like doing me a favour?

Have a watch of this video and give comments.



Also, I have Extension English catch up lessons tomorrow. Yaaaaay.

I never guessed how the him would scream.

Tunes in my head: Dreams Never End by New Order

Why do we feel the need to create? No, not procreate. But create.

Why do we feel the need to create fictional worlds? Do we really need an escape from the world that we live in?

Or do we do it for the adulteration of our peers? For a friend to come up and say "great work, can I get some more?"

Is it just purely for fun? Do we do it purely to get our minds in an alternate state for a period of time?

In some cases, it's for commercial gain. People need to keep creating multiple universes. It brings the money in. To see the next installment in the Misery series, say, even though the namesake is dead.

Why do I do it? Possibly all of the above. The last point not yet. But in time, hopefully.

Disease is rife.

Tunes in my head: Gog Magog (In Bromine Chambers) by Peter Hammill

I have no interest in being inside this hellhole anymore. I'm surrounded by abuse. And it's starting to kill me slowly. I can't even get a word out anymore without being yelled at. Without being slowly tortured for another few moments.

Breathing becomes incredibly hard. The smoke closes in. The walls close in. I have no allies. No friends in this place.

And yet escaping is proving harder and harder. I don't feel the motivation to leave my bromine chambers.

How can one human being do this to another? Subject them to decades of abuse without a goddamn care in the world. And yet, this isn't just a human being that was met by chance and that one willingly lets themselves be around. This is a blood bond.

Hahah. Like blood even bonds people. I don't see myself in them.

My family don't live in my house. My family live in libraries, shopping centres and different countries. And so I feel so distant from them. All the time. I just feel so goddamn lonely.

Another yell. Another scream for an innocent comment. The cycle turns around and around.

I intend to break it. In twelve at the latest. I can't live this way anymore. I can't live isolated. This must stop.

And what if it doesn't? Will I end up stapled to a rope, blood trickling down the cold limbs? Or will I be in a cushion-walled room? Or will I be in a frigid environment so far away?

No. That would mean I'd be even more alone.

Be well. I'm not.
Liam

I can see the road that'll see me through.

What exactly is happiness? Is it subjective? Or can we put a value on it?

I don't know if I know what exactly happiness is. There are times when I feel what I assume to be happiness, but there are also times when I feel the inverse. To what seems like a much greater magnitude.

I have a reputation for selflessness. I always give up my time for other people in the pack. And then that backfires on me. I end up having moments in the pit to make up for what I did. And to think, I used to believe in karma, too.

So, if I take the reigns and decide to become a selfish bastard, will it be the good choice? Will my own personal satisfaction make up for the general misery I'd put others in?

I don't think in my case it would. I write plays merely because people ask me to. I do things that I normally wouldn't because it makes people smile. And it does backfire. One too many self-depreciating comments and people start to depreciate me themselves. And that is not healthy for the soul. Negative emotion and energy should be harnessed in a way that makes one benefit. Yes, it's hard. But surely possible.

Would it be worth being miserable to see others happy, though? Could I put my own pain beside me for the joy of others? I usually can.

Maybe I just need to surround myself with others like me. Selfless bastards. I mean, if a group is wholly devoted to the happiness of others, in theory it can't fail.

But life isn't like that. Yin and yang. We need opposites. Even if those have a lot in common. The conflict between the opposites, whether in interests, looks, personality, mindset, whatever, tends to create in most cases anger and doubt.

In some, it creates a bond that couldn't be shared by two of the same.

Yes, I've gotten off the track of happiness a bit. Are the people who I surround myself around the best choices for me to surround myself with?

Well. I'm not about to change it. So in my eyes, the answer's obvious.

An addenum to the readers.

While I don't mind you putting links of this blog around for people to see, I'd prefer you guys not to actively shove it in people's faces. It's meant to be semi-private, so...yeah.

Thanks
Liam

So yes, I've decided to whore myself out to blogs!

Tunes in my head: Starship Trooper by Yes

Finally given in, yes. You can laugh at me Kriz, Ree and Bas. I've finally decided to publish my deepest inner thoughts in here. Or just anything I find funny. Probably that one, I guess.

So I'm stuck at school for the next week. Woot. I dunno, it'll be good for me, I guess. I can actually get some study in before Trials. Which are in, what, four weeks? Woot. I've wasted preparation time!

What else has been happening in my life? Dunno. Just the same tedious crap, I suppose. I feel kinda guilty for not being able to help Bas with his IP, but I was in the state of mind of someone in a very deep pit. For reasons that have already been discussed elsewhere and probably will be discussed here again one day. Not now.

And yes, I have no gimmicks to put here. Sorry for all of you gimmick hunters who are looking for the latest techno gizmo. I don't do RSS (NO DOORKNOCK SOUNDS, SORRY) or anything.

Also, any ideas for breaking my latest streak of writer's block would be greatly appreciated. I just feel kinda creatively broken down at the point. And need a little bit of a break to recharge creatively.

Anyway, I'll probably end up writing a few more times and then never touching this again, but whatever.

It's time.
Liam