Tunes in my head: Perfect Circle by R.E.M.
Atmosphere: Reminiscent
Just came to a realisation. For someone so open minded, I spent a lot of time looking into the past.
And it isn't healthy.
But it's so hard to let go. All of the time. Any little trace of happiness is one I cling desperately onto. Even if it's totally unhealthy for everyone involved.
And it's coming back to stab me, one wound at a time.
Even so, it's still so hard to let things go from my bloody grasp. The thought of losing something that brings me and others happiness. Even if it's totally intangible, a notion or anything along those lines.
The women come and go, talking of Michelangelo.
Is it normal to be this obsessed with happiness and the pursuit of it?
If it is, why do I get the feeling that it isn't?
If it isn't, why won't someone pull me from the abyss and slap some sense into me?
Any small shred of happiness is welcomed these days. And I long for the days where I wouldn't need to fight for it. But they won't come again.
Yet I still yearn.
I fear university. Not for the challenge.
But for the challenge of making connections. And maintaining the ones I still have. It proves harder. By the day.
Can I gain happiness through the facing the challenge head on, and fearlessly running into the dark? Or will my longing for past experience hold me back?
I need to stop.
I need to look forward.
And if I can look back and forward at the same time, great. But I don't know if I'll be able to.
Hope.
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4 comments:
Fight for what makes you happy until the end. If you're having trouble letting go, then it's probably not worth letting go of.
Well society naturally teaches you that obsessions are not healthy. So if you see yourself as being obsessed with something, obviously it won't seem good. But in your case, I don't think it's overly problematic to be obsessed with happiness and/or the pursuit of it. Everyone wants to be happy, To some it comes easier than to others. But the it's not difficult to find happiness, it's difficult to find what makes you truly happy.
University is a challenge for everyone, not just work wise but also connection wise. All you can do is try to maintain old connections and make new ones but you'll never know until you get there. Don't let anxiety stop you before you have a chance.
The people I know in uni have all said this. It's easier than school for many reasons, not work wise, and connections are made quickly.
Think about it. Most of you are in the same boat. Facing this daunting horizon of letting go everything you knew and stepping into the unknown, you may have a couple of friends at the same place, but probably not the same class.
The unknown isn't that scary. Just keep your head so you can always find your way back home.
Omfg. You quoted Eliot. Go die. Quote misused, really, but thats beside the point.
Not wrong at all. We all do it. Not that that is suddenly a valid reason for anything, though. Without longing for happiness, where's the ambition? the inspiration? And why it feels bad? Because you're spending time reminiscing instead of cutting to the present and doing something.
And you can't look both ways. unless you have eyes in the back of your head. Then I suggest getting your hair out of your eyes.
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