My double wants to pull me down.

Tunes in my head: It's Ice by Phish
Atmosphere: Angry

I don't let up. Surely you know this by now?

Every time I let up it fails magnificently.

Every time I back off and give people space, I just drift.

So I just have to always go in with a ridiculous amount of intensity.

And sure, is it the right way sometimes? God no.

But it works.

And it works where letting up and just trying to let the problem simmer doesn't.

Why can't people recognise that hiding the problem is never the best thing to do?

I mean, sure, in the short term, it is.

But in the long term, is it?

If the problem simmers for six months and then comes to the surface, are we all benefitting from this?

Of course not. It just hurts more because people notice the pain and are hurt by the fact that you refuse to let help in.

I mean, sure, I know what it's like. I know that when I have problems, I used to just hide from them.

And what fucking good did it do? It sent me spiralling down more.

It's the old English attitude, I guess. Stern upper lip.

But then again, what is achieved from doing that?

hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way

We live in a generation of utter apathy. "I don't want to talk." "Eh, I feel okay."

Is that really something to be desired? Is the ability to be a monosyllabic mess really something you all want to be?

I know it sure as hell is not what I am. I am a highly emotional, highly tempermental person. And sure, is it the best way to be sometimes? No. But it's who I am. I am a person led by my emotions.

If I'm pissed off or depressed, I refuse to hide it. I open myself to the anguish and take the full brunt of it, knowing the reasoning for it.

And it's not just a bad thing being so openly emotional. If I'm happy, you're all sure to know about it.

The human race needs to keep talking.

Nobody achieved anything from silence or indifference.

Put it like this. What do the great generals in history have in common?

They're all fiery and intense. And they made progress. They didn't just sit around and wait for the wave of depression that ultimately overtook them.

They accepted help from the people around them.

I care too much about my friends to let them suffer alone. To let them suffer in silence would be a grave crime in my eyes.

I would rather suffer alongside them. I would rather sit there and be miserable with them. Knowing that an emotion is shared is at least slightly uplifting. I mean, why is depression such an artistic emotion? Because people have felt it.

I might have written about you. And you don't even know.