SEXTEEN CANDLES

Tunes in my head: Sixteen Candles by Phish
Atmosphere: Okay?

Well. I'm still stressed out as all fuck. My personal life is in a fucking mess. I'm constantly sick. And the HSC is a mere four weeks away.

It'll be okay.

Really.

There is pain I can't get over now. But whatever.

It'll pass, I hope.

I just always get the feeling of being second in everyone's eyes. The back up plan.

It's making me suffer. The fact that nobody can ever take me for their own. That nobody can ever treasure me for what I am because they've always got first preferences in front of me. It's destroying me slowly.

But I can't do a damn thing about it.

Not without causing pain to others. And it isn't worth it.

I mean, sure, are there people that care about me? Sure. But they've got others to care about first and foremost, and all the power to them. It's just that nobody ever feels the need to compliment me or be aggressive in regards to maintaining me in their life or whatever.

Part of me doesn't blame them. I'm such a carefree, laidback person that it shouldn't be a worry.

Yet it does. I'm only human, after all. I have emotions and feelings. And yet people don't take that into account sometimes.

And for even a fleeting moment, if someone does, they really don't know how much it means to be.

Part of me is wanting to change the atmosphere to "depressed" now, but I promised someone I'd be okay.

I don't know if I will.

But I'm trying, so hard.

It's just not working. And it's really killing me.

I don't want to be this way. There's just nothing I can do about it. As the sort of person I am, who wants to make people happy, I neglected my own feelings for too long.