A sacrifice of penance.

Tunes in my head: The Holy Hour by The Cure
Atmosphere: Worried. Really fucking worried.

Why is it that whenever I have a good day, nobody else seems to? Everybody else seems to emerge from it bruised and bloody whenever I walk out of it with a smile on my face.

And so I blame myself. In bed amongst the stones.

I blame myself for everyone's sorrow, everyone's misery.

It does always seem to be what I do that causes people pain. At least from my perspective, anyway.

And yet I never give myself credit for when a person is happy. I never sit there and go "oh, yes, I did this and this and this that made a person smile".

My life's philosophy is based on one simple mantra, a phrase so seemingly simple and yet undeniably complex.

"Make one person smile a day."

It's so fucking hard some days. People take their anger out on me, people cry onto my shoulder. It's not fair, some would say.

But what can I do? All I can really do is try once again to make them smile.

People who say I'm selfish truly have the wrong impression of me. If anyone really saw how much effort I put into making people smile or laugh or feel amazing, they could never really make that claim.

I'm always giving up things to make people feel better. If a hug needs to be dispersed, so be it. If I need to give up my seat so someone else can take it, I willingly do it.

If I need to cry my eyes out to make a statement that makes a person smile, I do it without hesitation.

Is this my greatest failing? The fact that I'm so eager to please others?

Perhaps.

I also see it as my greatest strength at times. The fact that I can make myself look like utter shit in order to make someone else look good.

But I blame myself too much. I blame myself too much for other people's failings.

And perhaps I worry. Perhaps I worry about the effect that I have on people.

When I said I wanted to go away, I wasn't kidding. I sincerely wasn't kidding.

It seems as if whenever I'm not there, people just live better lives.

My attempts to make people's lives as bright as possible have so far failed.

Are they in vain?