Tunes in my head: Nellie Cane by Phish
Atmosphere: Depressed
You know, writing isn't even my preferred method of release, of coping.
It's just the only one where I feel I can actually get listened to.
It's the only one where I don't get attacked for actually having emotions, the only one where I don't get shot down for feeling.
When I actually say "I feel this, I feel that" and be honest, people say I shouldn't be feeling it. People insult me, cut me down for it.
So I write. And it's not my preferred way of communication.
Even when I write to someone, it often happens that they don't realise.
But writing's my only outlet. The only place where I can truly be honest, where I can talk.
It's a sad state of affairs.
I feel so detached. So alone. So isolated.
I don't know if I can continue taking it from all sides anymore.
So much pain over such a long time.
I need a respite.
Please. Give it to me.
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10 comments:
My question to you. Well, a couple of questions actually.
The first - what do you hope to achieve by having people listen to you?
Presumably the answer is "help". In such an instance, why not say things more directly? Ask specifically for help rather than trying to draw it out of people who may not even be sure that you want it?
You will be thinking that you've covered this in your post (people will insult you for such openness). That's true, most will. You can't change that. It's not a matter of trying to communicate in a different way, but one of finding a better person (in terms of your communicative purpose). There is a fairly good chance that such a person will not exist (at least within your reach), but you never know.
My next question is about why writing, with your identity known, allows you to be any more honest than any other (non-anonymous) method of communication. Though to an extent it seems to be subjective so I don't know that there is any actual basis for this question (other than curiosity, of course!)
I don't know your specific situation, so it is hard to make recommendations (though I doubt you'd take them from me, anyway).
I will say that there is no particular solution to your problem (as I guess it to be based on reading parts of this blog) seeing as it generally originates from emotion rather than thought. I am told though that given time and [etc] it can have some degree of resolution.
Alternatively you can utilise thought and recognise the irrelevance of such things, though it may not work.
From the sounds of it, the third party/parties are making things worse (from your perspective, at least). You should try direct communication, though I would guess that you've done so already (and I think I have already advised this earlier in my text-wall). If they're a) legitimately to blame [this is extremely important and you should work it out ASAP] , b) aware of that fact, and c) don't care, well then there is little hope, regardless of what you caps-spam at them over facebook.
While I think that this situation (if I haven't made any mistakes in reading) is probably something which can be dealt with given some time and luck, you should keep in mind there is always suicide as an option - you should, however, remember that you may not be in the best place [emotionally etc] to make that decision. You should also keep in mind that virtually everyone has an ulterior motive at work (in most cases it is the standard societal values which tell them life is teh sacreds etc).
Here is something which I don't hold to but is potentially useful (and when you get right down to it, very likely the truth), and that is to consider that since there is no inherent purpose or goal of (life/existence/universe), there is no action/situation/etc which is better/worse than any other - allowing you to recognise that this situation you find yourself in is not worthy of any particular concern.
Wow...that was actually incredibly intelligent, insightful and evocative.
Who are you, exactly?
My next question is about why writing, with your identity known, allows you to be any more honest than any other (non-anonymous) method of communication.
I write blogs purely for myself, even though other people read them.
Ergo anything written here is written because I wanted it here, not because someone else did. One can see this blog as a drawing board for myself.
As a result of being for myself, I can be totally honest. These are how thoughts run through my head - in a blurred, murmured manner.
And quite simply sir. You could just choose to stop feeling.
.. Okay. I don't think I can take this anymore. I'm really sorry Liam, I didn't want to turn your comments into a negative place but...
FOR FUCKS SAKE, KIERAN. Just, for fucks sake. If you don't have anything that's actually nice, could you please just FUCK OFF AND DIE?! No one here appreciates your "wise advice" okay?
I just wish you would SHUT THE FUCK UP. Honestly, you're so fucking bitter and angsty, DON'T GO SPREADING IT. Some people here, DON'T want to be unfeeling, cold cunts like you. For fucks sake. I've just, I've tolerated your bullshit comments for so fucking long. BUT ARGH.
Your comments are of no help to Liam, and I'm sure he doesn't appreciate it. He's looking for understanding and support not the shit you're giving him.
For fucks sake, keep your stupid bullshit to yourself, and stop telling Liam stupid things like "stop feeling" because it's of no help at all.
ARGH. I don't know what the FUCK is wrong with you, but GODDAMNIT don't drag others down with you when there are so many people out there trying to keep Liam from sinking to your depths.
ARGH
And I think that gives a good idea as to who Anonymous is.
Enlighten us, then. Who are we?
Well, it's certainly not me.
I do however, concur with what you're saying.
Who are you? I'd like to buy you a coffee or something.
Also, are you the same anonymous that posted the earlier comment on this blog?
"Also, are you the same anonymous that posted the earlier comment on this blog?"
They're not, though the "we" gives that impression (I don't know if that was intentional).
K~ (Kieran?), your response was deficient in that you provided an idea but without even a vague explanation/guess/idea of how to accomplish it. Thus, it was not particularly helpful.
Fair enough, thanks for clearing that up.
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